The Summer

Last night Chris and I were chatting about home and whatnot and he said that he wanted to go home and I told him that I had no desire whatsoever to go back right now. He said that he didn't believe it. The only person I really miss is Phil and I have Chris in the same time zone so we talk all the time. Really though, there isn't much of me, if any, that wishes I were in the states right now. I told Chris that because my summer was so horrible I promised myself I was going to go away and not look back. He asked if I have looked back at all and I said, "no, not really."

This past summer was horrible for me. I was thinking about this last night. I was miserable all summer long. I cried so much. I wasn't the person I really am. I was this sad, depressed, mopey person who people didn't want to be around and I really didn't want to be around anyone. Part of me not looking back is due to the relationships I lost this summer. Some of the people I was closest to for years I rarely, if ever, talk to anymore. That was really hard for me this summer. I came home for the summer with the intention of having a good summer and seeing high school people on a regular basis. This didn't not happen. Whether it was because I was blown off directly or schedules didn't match up I rarely saw people. I honestly think I spent more time with Phil, who I saw 3 times this summer than I saw most people who lived in the same state as me. Kinda sad. Really frustrating. By the end of the summer I just didn't give a shit anymore. I was sick of calling and no one calling me back. I was sick of always making the effort. Fuck that. Friendship doesn't work like that. I guess that is the end of that, then. I don't know. Regardless it helped add to the shittiness of the summer. A LOT.

Then there is the whole shitty family situation. This situation was basically "lets make Maria the scapegoat for everything." Sorry for fucking leaving crumbs on the counter. Get the fuck over it. Not that big of a deal. Don't tell me I can sit in a room of my house anymore. Don't make ridiculous rules and then try and make it seem like Dad was in on it. I am the only person in my house with a college education (not that going to college makes me superior to everyone in my house) and I have lived with my dad for 20 years. I know he would never think of such a fucking ridiculous plan as grounding me from the internet. He actually later admitted he thought is was stupid as well. No one likes your thought processes Donna, not even your husband. I realize that I can be hard to be around at times. Then with the above noted crap with friends and social life I become that much less pleasant. I definitely didn't do anything to warrant Donna threatening to leave. Lord knows where Donna's dissatisfaction came from. Look at your own fucking son for a moment. I look like a fucking angel in comparison. I really did not get along with my family at all.

The only thing that kept me from up and leaving this summer was knowing I was going to Paris. Yeah Paris sucks sometimes but I think back to how genuinely miserable I was this summer and I just think of how happy I am now. I got to Paris and it is everything I wanted it to be. No one helped me get here. Fuck if Dad did more than give me crap about money. I found the program, I talked to advisors, I filled out applications, I got my own ass to France and I am damn happy about it. I guess this is why I don't look back. I look forward to next year and know it will be great living with Chris and Nicole (and maybe Pat). But I worked so damn hard to get to Paris, I am going to relish in every moment of it.